FUCK!!!!!!! That’s the edited version of how I feel. I miss him (BTW, saw him and the new girl….she’s hideous, lol….no seriously…) but I fucking HATE everything about him. His walk, his speech, the way he strokes, everything! It’s been months, and I was so sure last night and even this morning that I was over it completely! I was so sure of it…but just like it always happens, I see something that reminds me of him. Or something happens that reminds me of him. FUCK! That word is really in my heart right now. Every song (even on RANDOM) relates to him (Single for the Rest of My Life, Silly,  Resentment). Song Cry made me break down in fucking tears and realize I’ll never be over him. He did something no one can ever do-he was the reason I knew how to love. The reason I knew how to SACRIFICE for other people. Man… this hurts so bad….Sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest….

But to the positive stuff!!!! Even though I’m stuck on him, I’m dating!!!!!! I had a date with a FINE southern gentleman this weekend. He was wonderful company and delicious eye candy He’s a lot of fun and he’s really nice. I thought southern charm was a myth…bull! He pulled out the chair, tried to cut up my steak (that was really cute ), ordered dessert and was just all around great. And we went to the club afterwards. We had a ball. He’s a great dancer and he’s sooooooooooo smooth. He reminds me of a straight Ne-Yo (lol had to say it people!) and I like it. We have another date planned this weekend at a jazz club, so I’ll update you on that….

So I’m on the verge of becoming a hippie. Seriously. I’ve been spending most of my time lately drinking tea, outside by the river on warm days and lighting incense to clear my mind. And music has become more than just my escape. It’s my life now and it’s getting me through everything. I’ve been listening to a LOT of TuPac (Keep Your Head Up is keeping me sane), Nas, Patti Labelle, and Luther. I’m trying to be happy.  Along with that, I’ve cut back on TV, except movies that I own (BTW, Juno equals love. So does 27 Dresses).  But back to me TRYING to be happy-it’s hard. I never knew how UNHAPPY I was in a relationship, until I was UNHAPPY SINGLE! Ironic, I know. But I’m finally on the verge of being completely happy. It took a long time, but I’m finally there.

I’m realizing that I’ve always put everyone’s needs ahead of mine, and now I’m taking care of Courtney. I’m starting small, by being abstinent, and thinking big like maintaining this until a really SERIOUS man comes along or possibly (if I have the willpower) till marriage! It’s been 3 months, and for someone like me, who is used to it every other week, its not that bad. I just get….FRUSTRATED once a week, lol! But I manage. I’m the butt of jokes lately because two of my “friends” can’t seem to understand why I’m doing it or why I’ve become so “spiritual” lately. I don’t really know how to answer it. I’m just like I needed to change, and I finally feel good. Why is it always the ones closest to you that want to see you down? Can’t understand it, but I think it’s just a part of life. Maybe they’re just not as understanding as I thought them to be. It happens.

So about my single life (yeah, I’m gonna include something related to my single-ness in every entry, lol). So far, it’s not bad. I have my eye on this one particular guy (sorry, channeling Aaliyah right there, lol) and (I think) he feels the same. We communicate a lot, and try to hang out at least once a week. He’s my little secret, because NO ONE has met him and few people rarely see us together. No one has put one and one together yet, and I like it. He really understands me for who I am, and where I want to go in my life. It feels good to know someone wants me for more than physical things, although being physical with him has crossed my mind MORE than once. The only downside to him is that he’s in a fraternity, and you know what that means…GROUPIES! I saw some of them in action when we went out one day to Coldstone. One of these chicks had a full out fit, and I didn’t understand it. Maybe he’s had a fling with her. Who knows, and more importantly, who cares? I’m not even worried about it. We’ve talked about a relationship, but he knows I JUST got out of one and I wouldn’t be any good. I like him. It’s official. I have a crush….

 -Love Courtney