For all you gamers out there, I really need your help!!! I’m looking for some video games for my little brother. Something that kids around the pre-teen age enjoy. Nothing too violent or crazy…and nothing that deals with bunny rabbits and butterflies. I think you get my point. If you have any suggestions let me know!!! Thanks

Some days I feel so sad. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I do know that I’m falling into the slumps of depression again. When there isn’t depression there’s stress…when there isn’t stress there’s depression. Why can’t I just be normal? Every day it’s harder and harder for me to go to sleep. Today I actually took a nap and almost overslept a class that I totally forgot I had a quiz for…that I in turn failed…AGAIN! I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like this isn’t for me. Sometimes I’m not sure. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I don’t have time to figure it out. I’m just going with the motions. School seems to be the “right” thing to do right now. Besides I’m not at a loss for going and it beats staying at home. I wish I had some motivation. I wish I had a purpose. In high school I had things to look forward to so even though I couldn’t stand most of the classes and the people, I had that thing that made me, me. I just can’t seem to find it here. I’m jumping around like a fish out of water. Do this major, do that, do this. My life is so far from normal. I work at a video store because I want to, not because I need to. I take classes that might not even go toward my degree…if I ever decide what my major is going to be. I’m the President of a company at the age of 19. I’m so clueless to what I’m doing with my life. In high school I was the girl who had it together. The girl that would breeze through college. The girl who would have everything. Truth is I’m lonely. I’m lonely a lot. Maybe if I surrounded myself around more people I wouldn’t be so lonely, but this is a sick world. You can’t seem to trust anyone. I’m so scared of getting hurt. I always get hurt. Always. This might be my last entry here. I love blogging, and having a journal, but I don’t like having one mainstream. I like being me because I want to, not because people expect me to. I like having privacy. I like being able to sit at my computer and talk about whatever rolls off of my fingertips…and lately I’ve been using the backspace key a little to much. This site is wonderful. The people I met from here are wonderful. I just think it’s time for me to close this chapter in my book. I think it’s time for me to turn over a new leaf. I’m pretty sure you will see me around soon, so expect the unexpected.

Blahzay…I guess it’s about time for me to blog here. I’ve been kinda not feeling like dealing with this because of a comment that was made, but whatever. People will be people, what can I do? I know I said that I would have a layout and new style up by now but that’s not gonna happen. Maybe in 2 weeks. I’m just so busy. I don’t have time for anything and I was so set back this whole weekend…and I had Mon. and Tues. off of school. I’m so out of it. I don’t know what’s up. I have to write a story for my English class. It’s supposed to be 2 pages so I gotta get straight to the point. I know how I want it to end, I just gotta figure out a storyline. Ha.

Life has been quite…differently…lately. Oh, and someone from school has found this site. Ha. I’m tired of it. I need a change. Something new. Or just an ending. Maybe it’s time for me to give up this website gig and go on to other things. What do you think? Maybe I’ll just hang around the LJ…if I even go there. Who knows. I did a disappearing act before at the end of 04′/beginning of 05′ and I came back…so maybe I need to do that again. Maybe I just need time away. I don’t like censoring what I say because of who might be reading or because of the comments I’m going to get. For some reason that takes away from this site as a whole. I know sometimes I can get really emotional and personal and I don’t want to take the chance of getting hurt because of the things I say…again. It’s my life and maybe the world would be better without me, but that’s not for you to decide.

I’m about to explode. I’m going through this depression thing that I’m trying not to get caught up in. I’m not sure how to explain it but I’m having these emotional breakdowns very, very frequently when I just cry and cry and cry. That drains me. Then I have to try to bring myself up out of the slumps and dealing with that, school, and these damn tests every week I’m driving myself crazy. Not to mention these fake friends. I expect very little from girls because that’s just how it’s always been. I’m starting to be iffy about guy friends also. It’s like they always want to make something sexual and I’m like can we please not go there. I just think I need to stay away from guys for a while unless it’s like a huge mixed crowd. Can’t have a decent conversation about anything…sucks.

It’s so beautiful outside today. There’s not a cloud in the sky. The sun is shining but it’s not hot. It’s feels like an early spring day, or a late summer day. So beautiful. I want to go out by the lake and try to write but every time I go there I’m surrounded by deers and other nature animals. Not to pleasant because I think they’ll try to eat me or something.

My hair needs to be fixed. The front is short and it looks weird. My front is always always long because I use that to cover up the sides of my face, but its soooo short now. I don’t like it. I don’t like wearing braids and stuff but I’m thinking about getting those African twists just because I don’t want zillions and I think those would be cool for my big face. I can easily rock ethnic hairstyles just as with everything else…I just don’t like my hair like it is now. GRRRR!

Okay, so I haven’t updated here in a while. I was trying to wait until my life wasn’t going downhill, but that obviously isn’t gonna happen, so what the hey. Okay, so in the past week I failed a test, had a breakdown, and found out how jerky men can be. Well I knew that they were jerks, but damn, it’s like when you’re down they kick dirt in your eyes, take off their shoes and beat you, pick you up, and then throw you down. Yep. Oh, and I also failed an exam that I can’t afford to fail. That totally washes my 4.0 down the drain. I’m still looking toward that 3.5 area. All hope is not lost…yet. Well my parents issue is never gonna get better. I think it might, we go through situations that you would think make your family stronger but we end up back in the same situation. I just want to scream.

I took an exam tonight. I don’t think I failed. It was quite challenging but more on the tricky level. It was like do they want this, or are they asking for that. But this school is known for intentionally making extremely hard exams so people can fail. I think that’s the highlight of their career.

The girls are thinking about getting a place together, or at least near each other. I think that would be quite interesting. I think they’re cool to hang out with, I mean, they are my friends…but me and living with a bunch of girls. I don’t know how that’s gonna fly. Especially with the mixed attitudes and things. It’s quite questionable but at the same time I think it would be fun. It’s all in the college experience, I guess. Oh, and speaking of college…the Chemical Engineers are going to Hollywood, CA. I’m not a chemical engineer, but I do have to take more chemistry than I would like…so therefore if I want to go, I shall go. It all depends on who’s going. Sometimes it’s not even worth going with people you don’t talk to when you could have just stayed home and kicked it.

This weekend is Fall Study Break. Some take that term as a break from studying. Some use it as a break to study. I will do both. I wont go home because I don’t have a home to go to, but if I did go to visit my family I know I wouldn’t study, and it would only cause more drama which might lead me to not returning to school. I’m gonna go to work, go to the mall, get some piercings, do my hair, get my nails done…and study.

I should have did some kind of work after the exam today…but I didn’t. Now on Thurs. I have a paper due, a chapter that’s supposed to be read, and get this…a quiz. These people love messing with me. I just want to get through. Somehow…someway.

I wish I had heat. They wont turn it on. They do this every year…they make us freeze until they are sure that it’s gonna stay cold, and then once spring hits they keep the heat on to make sure that it’s gonna stay warm. That sounds like a good idea, but not when you are living…or better yet…trying to sleep in these conditions. It’s cold and I’m sure it’s not gonna get back up to 80 anytime soon so crank up the heat…and when spring hits turn it off. Sounds simple, right? Not to them. They don’t understand that if it does get hot we can always open up a window or turn on a fan…but when it’s cold you are stuck piling blankets on you when you only have one or two since this is a dorm. I’m getting sick again because of this. GRRRRR!!!

I know this blog has been like a complaining session, but I do have good news. I got a sidekick I ordered a bunch of music DVD’s…and I’m gonna work on this site this weekend! I know that’s gotta be the best thing you’ve heard in the past 2 seconds I’m also semi-working out/training. The doctor suggested it as a good way to deal with stress and depression so we’ll see what happens.

I’m checking out ebay motors…again. I really want that Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder GTS…I love that car, and I use to drive it so I know I love the speed. Man. I need to start saving up cash. They have some going for $5000 but I’m sure as soon as it gets close to the ending time they’ll shoot up to about $10,000. I want a caaaaaaaaaar!

Tonight I was examining my room from the outside. I mean I have a great view and all…the only thing is people have a great view of me and everything inside of my room as well. I didn’t know that you could actually see what I’m watching. I could get so busted, but oh well…we’re in college right? Who doesn’t flip across channels and find some porn that holds their interest for a minute or two. I did crazier things last year though…like having phone sex while my roommate was in the room, or doing other stuff that I’m sure she was able to hear. I’m a little out there at times, but its funny when I think back on it.

I’m on a high off life right now. I just finished my biology exam, and I’m not too sure how I did..but all I know is that it’s over!!! For now at least. I have a calc exam next week. Blah blah blah.

Of course I’m still trying to get that sidekick. I like being an adult. It’s so fun. That’s when it’s on my terms and things are going well. People are asking me why I quit my job at the hospital to work at the video store. They just don’t understand how bored I was. There was like no human contact and nothing worth my while. I would count down the seconds until it was time to leave. It’s not always about money or status…sometimes its just about having fun. I’m bored enough in my classes so I need a time to break away…that’s all. I’ve also narrowed down what classes I’m taking next semester. So now it’s a draw between Piano and Mechanical Science Engineering. Piano sounds so much more…um…fun! I know my advisor will yell at me more. I’m gonna be in school forever because I’m not following the course list. I’m soooo behind, but I’m not stressing it. Freshman year they had me booked like crazy and school was a living hell. Not again…not now anyway. They’re mad that I’m putting so much of ‘me’ in my classes. You know what I say? To hell with them!

Ah well, it’s time for me to write. Subject: Long Distance Relationships. I hope I can develop this topic though. If not I’ll throw something else together. It was really a free write and I had to do the intro paragraph on the spot in class, and I think it’s pretty good…so we’ll see. I like English. It’s a cool subject. Something that I don’t have to ‘think’ about…something that I can just ‘do’. Yeppers. Why don’t I major in English then? Because I’m too damn indecisive.

Work is calling me…and so is food…